Listen Now
It’s an understatement to say that I count myself blessed in so many ways. I am extremely blessed because of my relationship with my children. 
Why? Because I was incarcerated for seven years and separated from them. In prison, I heard story after terrible story from women telling me that their children were in foster care or that they did not know where they were at all. It was then that I realized how blessed I was. Their stories made me extremely grateful to have the relationship I do with my three sons today.
The choices I made caused their abandonment for those seven years. Abandonment seems like a harsh word to use since I did not willingly leave the house one day with a plan never to return. Still, my choices caused the separation to take place in a very real way. I returned, and yes, I have a pretty good relationship with my teenagers today. But I was missing for a large portion of their young lives.
Taking accountability for your actions and the consequences your children have to endure along with you due to your choices is very important. No matter the circumstances that caused you to be separated from your children, accepting responsibility for it will help you and them heal faster and with more conviction.
It’s important to remain in your children’s lives in one way or another while you are separated. Plus, you must prepare them for your return and help them with the transition of being more present in their lives again.
Throughout all the stages of separation, constant contact is key. With so many types of communication via text or phone or letters and more, the message and how it is conveyed can be unique every time. But communication needs a structured flow from which both kids and adults both benefit.
According to several studies, structure helps children control their own behavior and allows them to understand the importance of boundaries and expectations. By having a routine, you as a parent are fostering a safe and secure environment for them within your “relationship bubble” (or family unit as some call it). The absent parent should prepare the children for that “bubble” being popped by sudden change.
Figure out and explain what living arrangements could look like or do look like, how holidays and other important dates will be handled, and who will be there to take them to a soccer practice or school events.
My own children needed to know what the new family dynamic would look like when I re-entered their lives. Speaking from experience, not only can co-parenting (or their caregiver parenting) styles vary widely, but also differences in rules, lifestyles, and basic everyday routines can cause huge upsets in a child’s world.
I feel blessed not only to have a relationship with my own children, but also to have the chance to be part of my sons’ (half) sisters’ lives as well — with no judgment about my past. Not every parent who has abandoned their children due to their own poor choices receives such a graceful opportunity.
Expect some bumps along the road with even the most ideal reunification situations. Prepare yourself for those. Simply being able to accept the fact that you have been absent in your children’s lives can be hard enough, but to step back in and not have the control you once did is also taxing.
Gratitude can go a long way when re-entering your kids’ lives, as they have been taken care of by someone other than you and are accustomed to that person’s parenting style. Respect the caretakers’ rules and routines while slowly bringing in your own again. This makes the transition the easiest for children. It also helps to create a bond as a family unit because the caretaker should not be cut out of the children’s lives immediately upon your return. That would be similar to the trauma they already went through when they lost you.
Here are some do’s and don’ts that helped me along this journey.
- Don’t parent out of guilt. We accept responsibility for their abandonment. Likewise, we have to realize that we earned being part of their lives again. We cannot continue to punish ourselves by letting our kids break the rules or do whatever they want because we have guilt over leaving them.
- Don’t try to buy their love. For those of you who have are tempted to “buy back” their love, don’t do it. No amount of money or material things can give them back the time they missed with you. We are not able to buy this time back, so there is no reason to try. Strong dislike and unreal expectations will be the only return on trying to make this type of purchase.
- Set boundaries and rules. Before your departure, you had boundaries and rules for your children. They must be set up again and followed. Kids crave structure and guidance. By putting boundaries and rules in place, you create that security blanket that children need.
- Do the little things. Many parents overlook the importance of attending a basketball practice or writing a note to place in your children’s school lunch telling them how much you love them. These little things add up over time and can truly turn a page in your relationship with your child.
It is never easy to admit your own faults, and it’s even harder to forgive yourself for them. However, we have to consider the fact that children forgive and forget much more easily than we do. Typically, they just want their mom or dad to be back in their lives.
No matter the situation, try to remain in their lives in one way or another while separated, prepare them for your return, and be grateful and respectful to the caretakers who have now become part of your family through this experience.
IVANA LIVERSEDGE was VP of WW Strategic Growth with an e-Commerce IT Managed Services company and Board Member and/or volunteer at several non-profits, including Reach UP Magazine. Tragically, Ivana’s life was cut down before we went to print. Because the case is ongoing, we cannot say more. But our hearts are broken, none more so than her three boys and the blended family she co-parented with the boys’ father in Arizona. She was humbly honest about being a convicted felon who spent over six years in AZDOC. There she gained the skills to have a career after prison, obtained her Associates Degree, and learned first hand what it is like to lose and reunite with your family The title she chose for this article is more meaningful than ever because as a Christian it points to the day when she will be reunited with her children forever. We miss you Ivana …
