Listen Now
No child should ever be raised in an abusive environment. The mental stress is too damaging.
That was so true for me. Watching my mom get beaten by my dad and step-dad taught me the lie that “if your man isn’t hitting you, then he doesn’t love you!”
I was young, happy, and ready to be in the working class. I had just graduated from trade school and landed my first job in the City. I always wanted to work in the City. There is something about Manhattan that I will forever love. Little did I know that in the city of my dreams, I would meet the man who would hurt me.
It started out just fine. I was happy with him, and I believed he was good for me. He was nice and he made me smile. I guess that’s how all relationships start, right? With respect and kindness.
However, it all changed one night when I found a few things in his apartment belonging to another woman. Startled, I checked his pager and saw some explicit messages.
When I confronted him, it enraged him. Instead of admitting his wrong, he twisted the situation around and made me feel as if I were the one who did wrong. Why was I snooping in his apartment? Why did I invade his privacy by looking at his pager? While arguing he threw a bottle at me, which hit my head and left me not only bleeding, but also in shock and crying.
We had a roller coaster of a relationship after this — a vicious, constant cycle of getting drunk, arguing, verbally abusing, breaking up, and apologizing. I suffered black eyes and busted lips. I clearly remember times when he spit at me while we were arguing, calling me a whore, and even hitting on females in front of me. He would degrade me until I felt weak and was in tears. He knew how to mentally break me down, crippling me into believing that the way he treated me was all my fault. Though he did hit me a few times, the verbal abuse was so much worse.
Once after a drunken argument, I woke up the next day with one side of my face completely swollen and bruised. The night was a complete blur, and I couldn’t remember exactly what happened. But looking around the apartment, I saw a 40-ounce beer bottle laying in a weird place on the floor. I’m pretty sure he flung the bottle at me and it hit my face.
Many of our arguments turned violent. Once I broke his very expensive herringbone necklace, so he grabbed a knife and ripped into my leather moto jacket while I was still wearing it. At other times he roughed me up in the streets because he never cared if he was abusive in private or public. It was so bad that I would flinch and freeze at the sight of him getting upset because I knew what was to come if he was fueled up.
Relationships like these are so confusing because he would apologize and promise he would change, and I would believe him! The apology seemed sincere and sweet, so I was swept away by his kindness. Then we had a cycle of good days and laughter, with a few awesome date nights. Everything was the way I wanted it.
After a month or so, he was back to being that abuser I feared. I had no idea what sparked it or why. It just happened.
The physical scars and especially the mental scars abusers like this leave in us can be haunting. I am not going to lie; the healing process is long. Abuse really messes you up mentally. But once you stop those abusers from having control over your life, you will have your freedom!!
Breaking up with him was hard. At that time I was in a tough position. I didn’t want to live with my mom, and I didn’t have enough money to pay for my own rent. Plus I would miss him. So we would break up, get back together again, then break up again. The cycle went on and on. A couple of times I honestly did not want to go back to him, but those were also the times he came for me. Once he showed up at my job and another time at my mom’s, demanding that I leave with him because he had a gun. Truthfully I don’t know if he had a gun or not. He knew I was so deathly afraid of him that I wouldn’t even think about challenging him.
During this time of my life I felt alone, embarrassed, and foolish that I had allowed myself to be caught up with a man who obviously had no feelings for me and enjoyed abusing me. I thought I couldn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of what people might say. So I lived alone in my private terror — alone with a stranger who never really cared about me or wanted to change.
After almost three years, I finally said to myself, This is it. I can’t take this anymore. I have to leave him for good. I cried out to God for help because I just couldn’t do it on my own. One night the Lord gave me the courage to just leave. My abuser was not home, so it was easy for me to go.
Several months passed before then he contacted me. He asked me to meet him and promised me that he had changed and would treat me better. Though I had heard this before, I thought, I’ll just see him one last time.
He was so affectionate, and he said the things I thought I wanted to hear. But something had changed within me! I finally got the strength to shut him out. I was listening, but not accepting what he was saying. At that point I truly saw who he really was, and inwardly I told myself that he would not hurt me anymore!!
“Go home and I’ll meet you there later,” I told him. So he got on the train, and as the doors closed and it took off, we stared at one another as we both smiled. I waved goodbye and never saw him again.
Why he never came back for me, I honestly don’t know. But shortly after leaving him for good, I started going to church. I truly believe God had His hands in removing him from my life for good.
I know that many ladies are in similar abusive relationships, if not worse ones. You might truly think you can’t leave. I’m not a professional counselor, but one thing I can say: Please believe in Jesus Christ. Don’t lose hope. He’s more powerful than we can imagine, and He is with you. Just cry out to Him, and He will free you as He did me.
