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I laid there in the fetal position; nothing could comfort me. My marriage of twenty years was ending. Just four years prior I had left the only job I had ever known as a dancer in the adult entertainment industry. I didn’t know what to do, and I had two children to think about. Everything in me screamed, “Go back to what you know!”
Addiction ran in my family. I was in state custody from the ages of 13 to 17. My grandparents took care of me. They would have given me the world, but they didn’t have it to give. I knew by the time I turned eighteen that I wanted to take care of myself. So, I got a job as an adult dancer.
During those fourteen years as a dancer, I got married, had two beautiful babies, and put myself through photography school. Also, during those years, I battled my own addiction, and I watched my friends die from substance abuse and domestic violence. I watched, from a front row seat, this job that once gave me confidence, completely “strip” me down.
I came to the end of my rope and screamed out to God, “If you’re coming, where are you?” I had always believed in God, and I even prayed on the way to work. One night I heard God speak to me. “Leave now and we will start something new.” I was confused about what I was hearing, but I was also out of options. I knew that what I had been doing wasn’t working. That night I took a leap of faith, packed my stuff, and walked out.
At first things were good, but then my great-grandmother and grandmother passed in a short amount of time. I took care of my grandfather for a year until he passed as well. All of this, on top of unresolved trauma in my life, started to impact my mental health. I sought out counselors and therapists.
Just when I thought things might look up, my husband of twenty years, my best friend and the father of my kids, decided he didn’t want to be any of those things anymore. It left me broke and broken. I truly wanted to just give up on this whole “Jesus thing.” I would hear God saying, “Don’t give up!” I was honestly a little mad at God. I had lost everything except my babies, and now, how would I support them?
I worked at a grocery store and at any odd job I could find: cleaning houses, DoorDash, babysitting, and others. Often, I didn’t know how I would pay the bills and provide food to eat, but I kept going. And God always made a way.
In that season, I realized why the woman looked back and became a pillar of salt. (Read about it in the Bible, Genesis 19:26.) I knew why the Israelites wanted to return to the slavery from which they had been freed. (Exodus 16:3). It was what they knew. It was all they knew.
Following Jesus is hard and filled with uncertainty. It takes faith, true faith. When everything in you screams, “Go Back!” you need to keep your faith in God and stay the course that has been set before you. That’s what I did.
Now every day of my life is not spent worrying how I will eat or pay my bills. I have a better job that I am excited about. I oversee operations at an event and wedding center. It is an honor to be a part of someone’s best day and help make it happen.
I now have a feeling of independence and true joy. My relationship with God is stronger than ever, and I am no longer mad at God. I have an amazing support system of women whom God has placed in my life. I also volunteer at a ministry called Whispers of Hope, a ministry like the one that helped me.
Everything is not perfect, but some beautiful things were birthed out of the most painful season of my life. And God says, “This is only the beginning.”
For anyone reading who feels like they are going through hell or that God has forgotten about you, keep going. God does give beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3)!
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You can hear an interview with Mary Harvel on the Whispers of Hope podcast. Mary shares tips on getting out of the club and into a new life.
