Listen Now
If you’re in a program, stick with it. People are there to help you. They’re not perfect. Neither are you. But God is helping you. Don’t miss what He’s trying to do for you and in you. Don’t be afraid to surrender. Sticking with it will actually be the best decision you will make through your entire life.
I didn’t always talk like that. I think you will understand why as I tell my story.
At three years old, my mom abandoned me and my six siblings. We were taken in by our grandfather’s caregiver. Nanny was actually my granddad’s bottom girl (a term used in the life of prostitution). She took it as a perfect cover to physically abuse us.
My eleventh year didn’t look like that of most other kids. I ran away to live with my biological drug-dealer mother in hope of getting relief from the physical abuse. That blew up in my face when my stepfather began to sexually abuse me. As a result, I got pregnant and was forced to abort my unborn child.
My mother taught me everything about packaging and selling drugs. So it will be no surprise that I started using drugs and became a full-blown addict by age fifteen.
No one in the family was happy. I chose to leave. Many times I slept on park benches and ate from trash cans.
Fast forward to the middle of my story. I got a job and an apartment and had three kids all the while using drugs.
One day stands out. It was payday, and I told my kids I was going to the bank to cash my check. I promised I’d be right back.
The thing is, drug dealers know when it is payday too. They were hanging outside the bank just waiting for me to get money in my hands to tempt me with crack.
Drugs dictate what you do, when you do it, and how you do it. You can probably guess that I didn’t make it back to my home – for three days. I lived in the crack house and spent all my money.
When the money ran out, I went back home, ashamed and embarrassed. My kids were getting on the school bus, but I didn’t want them to see me. So I hid in the bushes and watched. Then I noticed the people who seemed to have it all together boarding the city bus nearby. I thought, Oh how I wish I could be normal like that.
I kept spiraling out of control and ended up detained in the Allegheny County Jail (ACJ). I showed up to my hearing drunk and got sent straight back to jail.
While in jail I realized that I’d been searching for love in all the wrong places: men, money, food, drugs, prestige, power. I was never completely fulfilled by any of those things. All fell short. All were temporary. I still felt an emptiness and a hole inside of me.
A church came into the prison to minster to us. They, and a book I picked up, talked about a loving God who would forgive me of all my sins – no matter how bad. Up till then, I had only thought of God as a punishing God.
I made a private decision to rededicate my life to Christ. Baby steps. Between that decision, a praise team I organized, and all the sermons I was hearing, I noticed that I was growing.
I had seen a vicious cycle of women getting out of jail and then coming right back in. I declared, “I’m never coming back once I regain my freedom!”
But I heard God in my spirit saying, “Yes, you will.” Gently, but firmly, “You will be back unless you fully surrender to Me.”
Now, I had always considered surrender to be a form of weakness. But I discovered that surrender is actually an act of strength, not weakness. To admit to yourself and to others that you are powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable releases your burden and brings freedom.
You are no longer fighting to prove that you’re stronger, bigger, and better than the power of the drugs, alcohol, lifestyle, or whatever other traumatic situation you went through. Surrendering to God allows you to see that you need a power greater than yourself to help you. It is truly an act of victory!
There’s not enough room to write all the good things I learned in jail. And although I was sentenced to three years in jail, the most amazing day came when after only a year, I heard over the loudspeaker, “Tonya Carrington, pack it up! You are being released!”
I was elated at first, but then terrified.
In ACJ I had started to feel again, to not be a zombie anymore! I felt more freedom in jail than I ever did out of jail. I didn’t want to go back to the life I had before — a life of prostitution, drugs, and desperation.
Where was I going to go? I’d lost everything. All my household things had been set out for a sheriff’s sale. I had no job. Who would hire me with a felony?
After receiving my belongings, I was told I was being released to go next door.
Next door happened to be Renewal Inc., a transitional program. I would need to work through different tiers, or levels, to regain my freedom. The higher the tier, the more freedom I could earn. In the program I could go on home visits, work a job, and even go to church. I just had to come back every night with proof of my whereabouts. They also tested me for drugs regularly. I was there for almost a year.
I also got into a program that taught basic life skills like handling your money and good hygiene. Believe it or not, I didn’t know these skills. I’m glad my pride didn’t get in the way, because … well, just keep reading….
I went to the church that had come into the prison to minister to us inmates. Again, I rededicated my life and served Christ publicly. I got super involved and loved it.
My thinking continued to be transformed. I knew that God forgave me of all my sins, washed me clean, and made me a new creation. I had experienced life without Christ, and that was not living at all. Life with the King is everything! I began to know Him as my Hope, my Joy, my Provision, my Protection. He’s my personal built-in GPS system. He’s my Guide and Life-Compass. He knows what direction I need to take.
I never realized the strength I could have in Christ until I surrendered my heart, my life to God, because all those good things are found in Him.
By God’s grace, I completed my time at the Renewal center and graduated the re-entry program with flying colors. I got a good job and regained full custody of my children.
Today I am the worship leader at my church where my son is the pastor. God has led me to travel from Hawaii, New York, and Africa to minister in song and share my story of His hope, goodness, grace and love.
Remember my whispered dream that I’d like to be normal like those people I saw going to work at the bus stop? One morning when I was at the city bus stop, dressed well and going to work, God reminded me of that dream. He showed me that I was there – working, feeling like a normal person, and so much more. I started weeping like a baby, thanking Him.
Maybe you can identify with parts of my story. The best part – and the part that everything good depends on — is surrender to Jesus. As I said at the start, if you’re in a program, stick with it. Keep up the good work! I am proud of how far you’ve come. God is your strength!!
See Tonya’s Tips for How to Survive Prison (And Programs, And Jobs, And Troublesome Relationships) at “Tonya’s Tips.”.
