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In the 2014 Fall issue of Reach UP, Keven Covert talked about her 29-year-old Wall of Denial coming down as she risked talking about her abortion. She experienced true healing as a result. We asked Keven to help our readers come to that place of healing. May you be encouraged.
It’s Christmas morning. You’d give anything for a heart of peace and joy, but secretly you know a sledge hammer would be better. Your heart has become so hard because it’s been so hurt that you know, or at least you think you know, that huge, thick wall can’t come down.
That was me. Year after year the wall around my heart grew thicker and higher, and nothing, no one could reach it until .…
It was the summer of 2012. God began working on me on Valentine’s Day that year. He whispered softly that it was time to heal. Before then, as I shared in the previous article about my abortion back in 1985, nobody knew and I never talked about it.
I was willing to go to a healing Bible study called “Forgiven and Set Free.” There, along with six other women, I began my 12-week journey of healing. It was strange at first to share my story. 
I had no emotion because my Wall of Denial was so thick. I had gotten used to the numbness. The trauma was so deep in my heart, I had to make myself revisit the pain and it took a while to cry. I opened my Bible to learn what God had to say about my experience and all that went along with it. I studied as if I were studying for a test in school. I used to make A’s. But this time, this A was going to be for me!
I learned about denial, guilt, anger, insecurities, loss, substituting addictions, and numbing my feelings. I discovered who God created me to be, and eventually I surrendered my ugly shameful secret and much more.
I also learned I wasn’t the only woman to have experienced this. Our group leader told us that 1 in 3 women of child-bearing age have had an abortion. Wow! That adds up to over 50 million women since 1973 when abortion became legalized.
A lot of women probably need healing like me. I learned that true healing is a free gift, just like a Christmas present on Christmas morning. The difference was that I didn’t have to wait all year long for it. It was mine whenever I was ready to accept it.
Even if you’re not ready, go ahead and read the steps I took to heal. God will be with you.
Look at healing from your abortion as opening a wound that you have on your body. Something happened and you got hurt really badly. You put a bandage on it and hoped it would get all better. Yet over a period of time, the wound became infected. It needed to be reopened and have medicine put in it so it would heal the right way. The truth is, you didn’t use good first-aid in the beginning. You have to take ownership of that fact you did not take care of your wound the right way when you first got hurt. To reopen the wound will be very painful, yet it must be done to heal the right way in order to become healthy once again.
Step one in healing: If you want to be healed, you need to realize you can’t do this by yourself.
You need help from God in order to begin the process and make life much easier.
I had Jesus in my life and I believed He could help me. I had to believe He forgave me and would heal me, no matter how bad my past was or what I’d done.
Step two in healing: This step was tough at first. You have to dig deep and deal with issues you have not dealt with for years.
You have to admit that you need healing; you cannot run from the truth. You have to realize the past decision to have an abortion has affected other areas of your life. Whether you actively tried to deal with it or stubbornly chose to ignore it, it was a choice you made.
Like an onion your hurt has layers to it. Many times that first layer is denial or depression. Each layer of memories and experiences is painful as you uncover the pain that has been buried. But healing is done one layer at a time.
You can’t just cut to the heart of the matter, trying to hurry the process. Deal with each issue as it returns. I knew Jesus as my Lord so it was easier, yet I still had to believe I could get healing and forgiveness. Jesus offered me the forgiveness for what I had done, and I needed to accept it.
Step three in healing: This consists of returning to the day of your abortion and reliving how you felt. This may be the most difficult part, but going through this step will bring you out!
You will need to deal with the loss of your child and how that made you feel back then and now. You may find yourself hurting inside because you carried this secret privately with no one to share it with. Perhaps you felt the shame and guilt for what happened in your life, whether you were forced to have the abortion or whether it was your own choice. Other reasons and feelings will come to the surface, too. Don’t shove them down; choose to deal with them and go forward.
Step four in healing: Talk with someone about the pain you are now feeling. Let them know you are beginning to work on your issues of hurt and how you are feeling because of it. (Some of your feelings may include denial, fear, loss, depression, shame, blame, guilt, anger, bitterness, forgiveness of others, insecurity, and other emotions.)
My advice is to first go to God and share from your heart. He knows your pain you are feeling.
Then find a friend or someone you can trust you trust (maybe the person who gave you this magazine) with your secret. Don’t be fake – get real and share the truth. The deeper you dig, the deeper your healing and more at peace you will feel in the end.
Those layers will peel off in stages and clean out all the hurt and painful issues in your life. Writing things down in a diary or journal can help too. One important thing to remember for your healing to really take place: You have to go back to your past in order to go forward to a healthy future!
Step five in healing: This is when you face all that has come to the surface. Take responsibility that the abortion happened, whether you made the choice or it was made for you. It happened, and your baby is a real person, now living in heaven with Jesus. Share this verbally, and choose to believe what you are saying.
Step six in healing: Now you need to forgive and receive what the Lord Jesus did for you on the cross 2000 years ago. Receive Jesus’ forgiveness and allow Him to heal you and make you whole, giving you a new beginning.
Do not worry about forgiving yourself. Ultimate forgiveness comes from Jesus Christ. Remember He loved you so much and forgave you before the sin was ever committed. Please accept, receive, and live a whole and healthy life. Otherwise, what He did on the cross for you will be in vain, which means that He suffered it all for nothing.
You can and probably will have to forgive others, like your boyfriend, your mom or dad, the abortion doctor, and even society for making it legal. Your heart may have resentment or even hatred for some of those people. Forgiveness releases those toxic emotions.
Let me tell you from experience: Forgiveness, peace, and healing are gifts that stay with you all year long, year after year! Go ahead, open them up…
