Listen Now
It was a beautiful summer day. She was so excited about the new bike her cousin brought over. He told her he’d teach her how to ride it. So the two of them made their way to the parking lot in back of the house. As she watched her cousin ride the bike, she was excitedly waiting for her turn.
But when she asked him, “Is it my turn now?” he looked at her with a slight grin and said, “Yea. But over here.” He led her to a dark corner in the back of an old building.
She timidly asked, “Why are we over here? I want to ride the bike.” She looked around at her surroundings and slowly realized that the sun was no longer shining as bright where she now stood. He slowly made his way over to where she stood and pulled down her pants. The little girl asked, “What are you doing?”
He responded, “If you let me, I’ll let you ride the bike.”
I was five years old the first time I was sexually molested. It’s a memory that is as vivid as if it happened yesterday. In that very moment, so many things were stolen from me. I walked away that day confused. I couldn’t understand what had happened.
The abuse continued for several years. I became afraid of what he would do to me whenever he was around. I wanted my dad to help me, but he couldn’t because he didn’t know it was happening. I wanted to tell, but I was sworn to secrecy. So, the abuse remained a secret for about seven years.
My growing-up years were filled with many questions. I was angry, hurt, and full of rage. I was broken.
I grew up in a Christian home. I felt love from my parents (who have now been married for 37 years). I knew who God was. I heard about the miracles Jesus did. I had even seen miracles happen with my own eyes. But deep down I was empty.
I became a tomboy, getting involved in every sport possible. My mom had to force me to wear a dress. My choice was big, baggy clothes to hide my body so no one would notice me. My friend’s father always commented about the way I dressed, and one day he told me I was going to be gay. At the time I didn’t fully understand what that meant. As years went on, I waited and waited for the “gay” to kick in, all because of what this man had said to me. It never did.
When I hit my college years, I looked for answers in relationships. I went from hiding my body to now wanting my body to be seen. I was exposed to sex at such a young age that it messed up my view of sex once I became an adult. I had this continuous struggle within myself, so I looked for an outlet in all the wrong places. I searched for answers in relationships. I tried to find relief in drugs and alcohol. Nothing I did relieved this pain. Somehow, I learned to tuck away the memories of what had been said and done to me.
But the day came when I reached the my lowest point. I had nowhere to go and no one to run to but God. So I ran to God. I handed everything I had, everything I was—all my pain, hurt, fear, dreams, and desires—to God. That is the day I experienced my freedom.
The day I was molested for the first time was the beginning of an attempt to break me. But God had a purpose and a plan for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 it proclaims, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
One thing I’ve learned throughout the years is that we all have a story. It’s what we do with that story that sets us apart. I could have easily allowed my past to justify a washed-up lifestyle. I could have blamed God for every pain and hurt I felt because of what had happened.
When I asked God to take everything that I am and remake me, I was handing over my past and future. I believe in God’s healing power. I believe in His love and grace on our lives. I am a living testimony of what it means to overcome. I made a promise to God that I was willing to share my story with others even if it still hurt me, as long as it brought healing to other young women.
I want to encourage you. There is hope beyond your circumstance. There is healing beyond your pain. Freedom begins when you allow God to begin the healing process in your life. When we hold onto the pain and suffering, we give those people who tried to damage us too much power over our lives. Give God that power.
I’ve traveled the world with my music group, Rhema Soul, sharing the message of Christ. I’ve been able to talk to young women and share my story to let them know that our past does not define who we can become as a person.
Lyrics from the song “Fly Away” – Rhema Soul
It was a sunny day, riding on my bike like kids play,
He’s nearly twice my age, took a liking to my frame,
And now he took away pieces of my youthful days,
And introduced me to a stage I shouldn’t know about at that age.
How do you explain living life with fits of rage?
He told me I’d be gay and now my heart is full of hate.
I wanted to escape like a wing upon a plane,
Fly away to a place where I’d feel no more pain.
His words have left a curse, and now I’m living with this shame.
But what can I say? Freedom came my way
And like an eagle now, I’m soaring, flying high above the waves.
