Listen Now
Jeanette: You chose to remain anonymous. Why was that important to you?
IMWMN: Because I feel that people who know me would focus on me rather than my testimony. If you must have a name (smiles), I am many women (IMWMN).
Jeanette: Well said. I know this must be a little uncomfortable for you; I just want to say, I admire you coming forward and sharing your story with Reach UP. We can stop whenever you feel it’s just too much.
IMWMN: I feel ok now that I am set free, though it wasn’t always this way.
Jeanette: Let’s get into a time machine. Take me back. You were married. What made you cheat on your husband?
IMWMN: I felt unloved, unwanted, and ignored by my husband. After I met that other man, I began to become emotionally attached to him. I was shocked at how much I mattered to him. He became my best friend, and for two years I told him my fears and my wants. I never had to lie to him or pretend to be someone that I wasn’t. I was accepted.
Jeanette: Did you ever think you went too far?
IMWMN: Of course! But I wasn’t strong enough to stop. And after two years, our relationship took a twist. I fell for him, and things just got out of hand. I never thought that what would happen could actually happen to me. I was confused and scared. Yes, it did bother me. I was still married and I wanted to see if I could change my marriage. I wanted to see if I had the strength to fight. I wanted to see whether or not I really wanted to fight for my marriage. Unfortunately I couldn’t. I was so caught up in this sin! Then, I found out I was pregnant. I had two children already, and I couldn’t hurt them. What would they think of me? So I deceived my husband. I was so stressed out. The decision was made: ABORTION.
Jeanette: Was this your first abortion?
IMWMN: Yes, but it wasn’t my last. Years later I became pregnant again. You would think I would’ve learned from the first one. But I decided to keep the child. By then my kids were grown, and I didn’t want to inflict the pain on them of leaving their dad. I couldn’t leave my husband because he was unemployed. The decision was made: have the child and pass it off as my husband’s. For the first few weeks I went to the prenatal appointments and sonograms were taken. However, I felt guilt and fear. What if he found out? Abortion was the easy way out. Again…
Jeanette: Take me to the day.
IMWMN: I was like a zombie. I was scared and I felt dead. You walk into a place like that and sit in a waiting room. It feels like hours when, in reality, only a couple of seconds have gone by. I felt cold and everything felt so dark. Instruments were everywhere. Everything within me wanted to run out of there! I wanted to yell for help. I was given an IV, and I felt mute. I remember closing my eyes, with tears just streaming down my face. Before I knew it I was asleep. I had done it again. I had taken it upon myself to take a life. And when I woke up…well, I can’t explain the feeling I felt. I cried all the way home.
Jeanette: What do you want to tell other women?
IMWMN: I would say, “Breathe, if you find yourself in a similar situation.” I would say, “Don’t go there, don’t cheat, don’t be deceived. Because in the long run, nothing will come out of that relationship but heartache and pain. Abortion is not the answer. It is a scar! To the young girl who’s afraid, don’t be. To the abused wife, get out of that relationship! To the saved Christian in this situation, trust God. To the women with stories like mine, THERE IS HOPE. JESUS is our hope.”
Jeanette: Do you still think about it?
IMWMN: I know that God has forgiven me, but as a human being I must admit it is hard to forgive myself. I think of it all the time. When I look at my kids, I think of it. I just went too far. I will never lose the memories or the scars of the abortions. No matter how much someone says it’s ok, I’m not ok with what I did. There are so many things I could’ve done differently, but I didn’t. Abortion is not the answer – no matter what the situation. If you are in a complicated relationship, get out of it. Don’t take it out on an innocent life.
Jeanette: There are many people who believe that during the first stages of pregnancy, such as before six weeks, the fetus is not a living thing. What are your thoughts?
IMWMN: When I was young, I was very ignorant. At that time I would have agreed that it was just a blob. But because I know better now, I say YES, it has life. Some people, especially young girls, have abortions as if it’s a birth control method. I tell my testimony to beg and plead with people – men and women – because both make these decisions everyday. God is the one who gives and takes, not us humans. When did we become God?
Jeanette: Who are you in Christ now?
IMWMN: I consider myself a woman who loves God. I rely on Him for peace. He delivered me from guilt. He delivered me from shame. Am I fully healed? I must admit that because of my own thoughts, I don’t think I have allowed myself to be fully healed yet.
My story is not a good one. I hope I didn’t anger anyone or offend. My intent was to help someone who may be in the shoes I wore. God has become my best friend. I wish I would’ve met Him back then. I would’ve made Him my best friend then. Today I am serving in leadership at my church. Women come to me with all kinds of stories and I give godly counsel. I love who I am in Christ, though my scars remain. I know My God also remains true to me and to His word.
Jeanette Rivera was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. She began ministry in the inner cities of New York at the age of 18 working with Metro Ministries. She’s married with four children. She and her husband planted their first church in Columbus, GA, as part of their ongoing ministry to a troubled community. Among her many activities, Jeanette is continuing her education and working on her first book.
In 2009, 41% of all healthy pregnancies in New York City ended in abortion.
There is help!
If you’re pregnant and feeling overwhelmed, there is help. OptionLine has a toll free number so you can call and talk to someone.
Call
1-800-395-HELP (4357)
If you have access to the internet, their website is www.optionline.org
You are not alone.
