Listen Now
You lied to me. You stole from me. You cheated on me. You hurt my feelings. You ignored my calls. You don’t respect my choices. You promised me. You left me.
These are words often spoken in moments of intense conflict, even when two people are trying to work things out and say, “I’m sorry” or “I made a mistake.” Yet both people may walk away feeling hurt, disappointed, or offended.
I’ve been there. It’s happened to me both in my personal life and my work life.
Many of us hold onto grudges against those who have wronged us. We convince ourselves that we cannot move on until they give us what we feel they owe us, an apology. However, in many cases, we will never hear them telling us they are sorry, and we keep feeling the pain.
If you’re still upset about something that happened in the past, I want to help you feel better.
Your body will let you know when you’re hurt or upset. Your heart might beat faster, you might feel warm, your hands might get sweaty, or you might feel angry when you think about what happened. Pay attention to these feelings because they reveal that you’re still upset.
Step 2: Think About Your Feelings
When these emotions arise, take some time to explore them. Find a quiet place where you can write down your thoughts. Ask yourself:
- Why am I so upset?
- What exactly did this person do to hurt me?
- What part did I play in this?
- Did I do anything to make the problem worse?
Be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. Write down your true feelings. This can help you understand your emotions better.
Step 3: Talk to Someone You Trust
After thinking about your feelings, talk to someone you trust—like a close friend, a mentor, or a professional counselor. This should be someone who will help you feel safe, listen to you without judging, and give you good advice. Talking about your feelings out loud can help you move on and feel better about yourself.
The most important step in healing is forgiving. Even if the person never apologizes, you need to forgive them from your heart.
Forgiving doesn’t mean saying what they did was okay or pretending it never happened. Instead, it means refusing to let their actions hold any power over your thoughts and emotions. Those angry feelings keep you trapped in pain, but forgiveness brings you freedom.
Remember that forgiving sometimes takes time. You might need to forgive over and over until the memory of the offense no longer stings.
Step 5: A Prayer for Forgiving
If you’re having trouble forgiving, pray this from your heart:
“Father God, I forgive [name] for [what they did]. When they did that, it made me feel [your feelings]. But Lord, I don’t want to feel the pain of hurt about this anymore. I want to let go of my angry feelings about them. Set me free from the pain of this memory. I release what I feel they owe me whether it is an apology or something else. If they never choose to do it, I still forgive them. Amen.”
By taking these steps, you can let go of past hurt and step into a future of peace and healing.
