Listen Now
Violated, criticized, humiliated, and put down – my emotions were always stirred when I heard other people’s stories of abuse. That’s because their stories were somewhat like mine.
Abuse comes in many forms: physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and financial. Some may not believe that they are in abusive relationships because they are not being kicked, slapped, or raped, but this is not true. Abuse is more than just physical harm. Emotional and verbal abuse can include someone calling you names in order to hurt your feelings, yelling and screaming at you, telling you what to do or wear, stopping you from seeing your friends and family members, or always calling and texting to see where you are going.
Financial abuse occurs when your partner takes your check and spends it, uses your credit cards without your knowledge, or takes money from your account without your permission.
Some people find themselves in abusive relationships because they come from an abusive home and that is all they know. Others hope their partner will change. Abuse can happen to anyone, no matter your financial status, race, religion, or place in life.
My senior year in college was a very critical point in my life. All I wanted was to live up to what I thought was the American Dream – to graduate from college, get married, and buy my perfect home.
Most of my friends were in relationships and engaged, so I felt the need to be in a relationship too. Before I entered into this soon-to-go-horribly-wrong relationship, God warned me not to. But I did not listen.
We all like to be in love, but we must be careful when choosing the person we will spend the rest of our lives with. It is very important to know that person well. Before getting in a relationship with a person, spend time with him in a large group, get to know his family, and see how he interacts with others before getting in a relationship with him.
Growing up I always felt that I was not skinny enough and so I had very low self-esteem. This guy was giving me the attention that I thought I needed. In the beginning he was like Prince Charming because he treated me so well. The relationship felt too good to be true.
Intimate partner violence can happen to anyone; it does not discriminate. Abusers can be men or women. You may not even know that you are in an abusive relationship because it happens slowly over time. Most abusers can be very kind in the beginning of the relationship, and seem perfect.
Well, I was right. It was too good to be true. After two months of being in the relationship, he treated me as if I had no value. He would mock me for wanting to remain pure in the sight of God. He couldn’t understand why I was different from the girls he dated previously. Because of my choice to wait until marriage to become intimate with a guy, he would beg, become angry, and give me the silent treatment.
Then I would get angry with him. In turn he would constantly text and call me if I did not answer my phone.
In one incident he sexually violated me. I was so hurt from the abuse that I blanked it out of my memory. I just remember him apologizing. Like victims often do, I said I would forgive him.
Our relationship was definitely toxic and progressively went downhill. The arguments got worse and worse. I kept on making excuses and telling myself everybody goes through this. This relationship had the typical cycle of violence. He would apologize and promise not to mistreat me again. I’d forgive him. Then he would go back to doing the same things.
I was so sad and told no one what was happening. I felt that no one would believe me.
An abusive relationship can go through cycles. You will find the abuser promising to change and even being good for a short period of time, then go back to abusing again. The violence gets worse and worse over time.
Watch for signs that you are in a dangerous relationship: abusers threatening to kill themselves or others, harming pets, having a criminal history, or being a member of a gang. Source: Florida Coalition of Domestic Violence
In the midst of all this chaos, God sent a friend to support me. Eventually I woke up and dealt with the all the abuse. I made the decision to leave him. I told him, but he didn’t think I was serious. He tried to change my mind, but this time I was done.
I no longer wanted to be treated as if I were nothing.
If you are in abusive relationship, you are not alone. Do not worry about people judging you. It is important for you to have a plan and find someone you can trust who won’t tell your abuser what is going on. You may have a boss, a co-worker, a friend, or a neighbor who can help.
You can go to a domestic violence shelters for safety. Some shelters take men, women, and children. Many domestic violence agencies provide individual and group counseling. It is best to talk to a Domestic Advocate to see what your options are because each domestic violence agency works differently, and not every abusive relationship is the same.
After all this abuse, I still managed to graduate with my Bachelor’s degree. I applied for many jobs and couldn’t find anything. One day I saw a job opening at a domestic violence agency. There I started meeting people who were fleeing abusive relationships. I began counseling, supporting, mentoring, and educating women, men, and children. And every time I finish work, I realize how blessed I’ve been. It took me years to realize that God turned my pain into purpose.
After almost six years of experiencing the abuse, God made it known to me at my church’s encounter retreat that it was time to “let it go.” He told me that He wanted me to share my story. No longer do I have to conform to the patterns of this world. A relationship does not define me or complete me — only Jesus’ love does all of that!
Ladies, don’t be fooled by the counterfeits. Your enemy, Satan, wants to destroy you and distract you from your purpose.
I’ve learned firsthand that it is better to be single and focus on Christ than to be with the wrong person. The best relationship you can have is with Jesus Christ. No longer will I be a victim. I am a HEALED SURVIVOR! GOD TURNED MY PAIN INTO PURPOSE! Now I realize that my life is not about me. God wants to use me in order to glorify Him.
If you are in an abusive relationship, just know you are not alone. Get help and be safe.
Remember, is it not your fault! Your life is worthy and you are valued. Every life matters. If you are in abusive relationship, you can call the National Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
If you are in danger, contact a domestic violence agency near you.
Resources: www.loveisrespect.org, (Love is Respect); www.facadv.org (Florida Coalition of Domestic Violence)
