Listen Now
A father attending Dr. Bob Bradbury’s Sanity Circus, a six-week parenting conference, in Seattle, Washington, asked what to do when his four-year-old son had a temper tantrum.
Dr. Bradbury suggested, “Ask for a hug.”
The father was surprised and asked, “Wouldn’t that reward the misbehavior?”
Dr. Bradbury asked, “Would you be willing to try it and see what happens?”
The father agreed, and the next week he reported back.
His little son, Timothy, started a tantrum because he couldn’t have something he wanted.
Dad got down on one knee and said, “I need a hug.”
Timothy stopped sobbing long enough to ask, “What?”
The father said again, “I need a hug.”
Timothy again stopped sobbing and asked in disbelief, “Now?!?”
Dad answered, “Yes, now.”
Timothy begrudgingly said, “Okay,” and stiffly gave his father a hug. Soon the stiffness disappeared, and they melted into each other’s arms.
After a few moments Dad said, “Thanks, I needed that.”
Timothy replied with a small tremor on his lips, “So did I.”
I love this parenting tool for many different reasons. First, we can use it immediately even while we are figuring out what else might work better next time this happens.
Second, many of us are starved for safe and meaningful human contact. We may not have received it when we were a child and may not be comfortable being overly physical with others. We can fill up our “love tanks” — and theirs — by giving and receiving hugs from our children. It will make a world of difference to our children as good physical touch is an important part of their overall development and healing processes. I have heard it said that a 20-second hug can positively impact the chemistry in our brains!
Next, by asking our children for a hug, we are putting some power back into their hands when their behavior is showing us that they are feeling powerless. Giving them something positive to do can break them free from the mindset and actions of their tantrum.
Also, your children can learn to use this tool to ask you for a hug when they start to feel upset, avoiding the tantrum altogether.
Sometimes in our parenting classes the question comes up about whether asking for a hug is rewarding the misbehavior. But when we realize that our love is for our children themselves and not their behavior, then we understand that a hug is a secret weapon we can use to reset us both.
Asking our children for a hug and getting a response may take a few tries, especially with teens. But it pays off for everyone.
